This morning, right before bed, I stayed up a bit later than I originally intended and watched the sunrise. I haven’t watched the sunrise in years. There’s been a lot on my mind, and the sunrise was just something I wanted to see. A new dawn. The beginning of something.
Even if it isn’t something necessarily great. None of the circumstances have changed. And yet, it’s still the beginning. The beginning of a new day, the beginning of something.
This photo isn’t my best photo. There’s a reflection glare from the window. It’s not composed perfectly. There’s a spot from dirt on the window in the upper left of the sky. It wouldn’t even crack the top 100 of best photos I have taken – I have probably taken 15,000 or more in my life. And yet, it’s also my best photo. It’s exactly what I saw. It’s exactly what I was looking at. It captures the moment perfectly. When I think back on this time, on this day, that is what will be in my memory. This imperfect sunrise, over an imperfect day.
I had a long talk with one of my very best friends this morning. About everything: the stuff with my grandmother, the stuff with my friend, and even an artwork from yesterday that made me tearful – a memoriam to another friend that I mentioned had passed two months ago. They were very nice and supportive, and I was very grateful to have a long cry with them. Sometimes it’s necessary. As I’ve grown, I have found that my sadness and grief has changed shape.
When I lost my grandfather in 2001, I was so sad because I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted to have his guidance and his voice and his hugs and everything. I still do experience that dimension of grief now, but there’s an additional component. I am sad because I wish that my grandmother didn’t have to experience this decline that she is having. I wish that my friend didn’t have to go through this crisis, which we don’t know how it will end up. I wish that my other friend didn’t have to go through her kidney disease, and in silence – none of us even knew she had it. I suppose in a way it’s a natural part of being an empath.
But it’s also a natural part of being a Dalmatian. A pack animal cares deeply about her pack. And I think it’s probably healthy to have a mixture of selfish (I want more time with them) and selfless (I want them to not suffer) reasons.
My bestie, the one I spoke to this morning, said that Buddhism taught them the root of despair is the desire of something that cannot be attained. It made me think a bit. What I desire that I cannot attain is to make my friends and family feel better. To heal them. At the end of the day, my soul is that of a healer. That’s why I am so passionate about becoming a veterinarian. And this exploration made me realise I am on the right track.
Also, the France vs England football match earlier was legendary. This is a match that will be discussed for years and decades to come. It was a joy to watch it unfold live. I was even happy for the French goals, because I think Mbappe deserves the Golden Boot award. He’s been phenomenal this tournament, even if he was on the opposing team!
So, even through the darkness of the current events, I still see brightness coming through. There are reasons to carry on. To push on forward. And to continue to hope for the better results. Because life doesn’t always give us what we want, but it’s what we do with it that makes the difference. And what I want most to do with mine is to reach others.