The reason I am here is to provide for others. That is why God put Dalmatians on Earth. That is why we exist. The Working group. The Sporting group. If you prefer the silly American name, the Utility group. Though, it sounds so unromantic when you put it that way.
Sure, whatever. Utility. That is what I am here to provide. I am a utility, a conduit, things flow through me and finished things come out. Others share their ideas with me, and I turn them into software. Others give me their problems, and I help them seek solutions. I connect people to other people they wouldn’t otherwise know, so that they can help each other.
Even among my friends, I relish in being the provider. When possible, I run the watch party streams so others can just enjoy watching without faffing about with figuring out the streaming bit. I give out Dynamic-DNS backed CNAMEs on my domains like candy so that others don’t have to struggle remembering their IP addresses. I’m hosting Web sites for at least seven different friends so that they don’t need to deal with VPSes and keeping things updated and secured.
That’s why it hurts me so much to see my mum suffering, struggling to do Internet surveys for a pittance to be able to “help contribute”. I was supposed to be fixing all of our woes with this retched AI gig work that evaporated in front of my eyes, and now I can’t. It really makes me feel sad.
And perhaps that’s the reason my relationship with my sweetie feels so special: I’m not a utility for him. He doesn’t use me as a utility. He simply enjoys being around me and sharing my company. When he tells me he loves me, it’s not because I did something for him, it’s not because I provided him something, it’s because he actually loves me. I do enjoy being the provider, being the utility, but I also enjoy being loved just for being me. And it’s something I don’t believe I’ve ever had before him. It’s so lovely.
I was over the moon this evening. I had a very special time with my sweetie and I felt so loved. I felt grounded again. I felt like whatever comes, it doesn’t matter as long as I’m surrounded by those I care about. Heading out to the markets, I was skipping like a little schoolgirl again. It’s been years since I’ve skipped, and probably longer still since I’ve skipped through a market. Love is a many splendid thing, and I’m so lucky to have found it.
Dear reader, even at my worst these past few months, I’ve found that I can’t hit the lows I used to. That’s the true power of love and companionship. And that’s why it’s worth seeking out. Of course I enjoy providing for others; it is my source of purpose and fulfilment. But it’s also wonderful to know that I am loved for more than that.