Confronting the subject of yesterday’s article took a lot out of me physically. I struggled to get out of bed this morning even though I had all my sleep. Today was the second day of the UC Cybersecurity Summit but my heart just wasn’t into it. I did get some accessibility work done and that felt good. And I’m looking forward to tonight, where I’ll hopefully be able to play Minecraft and have a watch party with my friends. That should help me feel better.
I’ve been listening to Back to December by Taylor Swift, because that’s apparently how Jan feels about how everything happened. The more I think about how I was treated, the more ashamed I am that I let myself get treated that way. I considered removing the article, but I think that shame makes it even more important to leave posted and published.
I can’t even imagine how many other women (and men!) there are out there feeling that shame for the same reason, and aren’t brave enough to speak out. I was young, naive, and in love. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. And it’s terrible that there are animals that will prey on that and take advantage of animals like me.
It’s a huge struggle for me to do as the title of this article says and give myself grace. Oh, if I could talk to young Spots…
Dear Young Spots,
You will find someone so much better. Don’t trap yourself in a relationship to someone who treats you that way, especially out of fear that you’re so unloveable there isn’t anyone else. So many other animals love you. Most of your friends stay your friends for many years to come. You aren’t losing your safety net by freeing yourself from Jan’s grasp.
You will learn to love yourself in a healthy way. Don’t be convinced that it’s unhealthy or wrong to think you’re a good animal. You can be a good animal and acknowledge it without being full of yourself. You will discover, and re-discover, so many things about yourself. Your life will become quite a journey. Some of it is more challenging than you’ll ever imagine, but it’s amazing what is waiting for you on the other side of it all.
Now go explore the big wide world and find yourself. You’ll be surprised how much you’re actually going to like – and even love – her.
Love,
– Older Spots.
Really can’t wait to spend time with ones who actually care about me.