I have had another argument with my same friend over the same thing as before, and that is adoption.
This friend now doesn’t think it would be appropriate for me to have children at all, because I’m already 35 and by the time I “figure out my life”, I’ll be near 40. “Maybe teen adoption”, which is something I have considered anyway, “but I know you think adoption is inferior”.
I’m sick and tired of this argument.
Any way that I become a parent will be special and fulfilling, rewarding and beautiful. That could be adoption, foster care, biological means, a child winding up on my doorstep, whatever. The very word “inferior” deeply upsets me.
And then this friend went on a long list of horrible events that could happen. “Your kid could be MAGA”, “your kid may hate you for no reason”, “you might break up with your mate and they would definitely get custody, because what judge would give custody of children to a trans person”, and so on.
To start with, I don’t really care about what political leanings my hypothetical child may or may not have. And while I certainly would try to instil respectful values into any child I raise, if they want to hate me then that is their business and their right as an independent being. I would be sad, but I would still love them.
If they want to be right wing I would still love them. I would love them even if they went to work for Reform. I probably would try to gently guide them towards a better way, but they are my child and all I can do is provide them with love, care, understanding, and a safe place to call home. No matter who or what they are, no matter who or what they believe.
It isn’t like I haven’t thought of this myself. It isn’t like I don’t think about those teenagers that killed their parents and siblings in Broken Arrow (WARNING: that link is very disturbing); that was just a few miles away from me. And sure, maybe it makes me a little nervous that perhaps something like that could happen. But it is what it is. If I’m meant to go that way, it’s gonna happen. I still don’t really believe that would happen, though. Most children who grow up to do those sorts of things face abuse or neglect. I would never allow that to happen to a child of mine.
Of course, there’s no controlling the outside world, and maybe they could be abused at school or something. And I would hope they would feel safe enough to tell me about it, so that we could handle it and work through it together.
And there’s no telling what happened to the child before they were put up for adoption. There aren’t a lot of rosy happy stories on the way to the adoption agency. I would support them and help them when they were ready to talk about it, and provide them with the best therapy they could ask for if they want or need it. (And that should be partially their decision, but of course if there’s a reason to believe they truly need it, it is sometimes appropriate to force the issue.)
I’ve thought so long and hard about all these sorts of things. What it would be like to support a child through coming out as LGBTQ. To support a child through past trauma before I adopted them. To support a child through a medical issue: It could be terminal. It could be chronic. It could also just be something to get through, and get over.
And there’s no guidebook. There’s no guarantee of how anything could play out. There’s no saying any of this would, or wouldn’t, happen. There’s no way to know.
We could live a lovely life full of snuggles and then when they grow up to be an adult they are well rounded, adjusted, and go on to do amazing things in the world.
We could live a tormented life full of struggles and unspeakable horror, and they may not even grow up at all.
The most likely is something in the middle.
And this is just with adoption. This isn’t even considering the additional possibilities with a biological child and pregnancy – there’s all sorts of ways that can go wrong!
I really have given this a lot of measured thought and it really hurts me that one of my closest friends does not seem to understand that. And to insult me again by saying I’d somehow find adopting a child “inferior”.
Finding support from people that call you a friend shouldn’t be this hard.