Happy Trans Day of Visibility! Though really, shouldn’t we be visible every day? I suppose the point is to actually talk about being trans today, so that others can possibly understand a bit better.
I wrote this article two years ago, and I’ve never felt comfortable sharing it. It’s hard being visible in a society that wants so badly to denigrate you and bring you down. But I have a lovely support system, friends and family that genuinely care, and a platform that I can use. I need to do this for those who can’t. So, here goes:
This article has been decades in the making. All my life, I’ve struggled with expressing my true identity. I’ve had various periods of showing, hiding, and showing again various facets of what I truly am inside.
I am a female, full stop. The appropriate pronouns for me are “she/her”. My name is “Anna”, legally and professionally, and “Spots” for friends who like acknowledging my Dalmatian side.
I don’t know how well everyone I know will take this information, but I am reminded of my best friend’s favourite quote:
Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
A brief history, for those intrigued
When I was a very young child, as far back as four years old (some of my earliest memories), I had more interest in child activities that leaned more traditionally female. I loved my dollhouse, and had a small collection of Barbie dolls. My favourite was 1993’s Dr Barbie, for those interested!
When I would make-believe, alone or with other kids, I would almost always assume a female persona. I felt more comfortable as the “wife”, the “mum”, the “heroine”, more than I did in male roles. I always wanted “girl” toys, not “boy” toys. I should stress here, it’s completely valid to be non-traditional in your likes and interests! There’s no reason boys can’t like girl toys. But for me, this was a big hint.
I should also make very clear that I had multiple strong, upstanding male role models in my life. We lived with my grandfather for years and I learned a lot about what makes a true man from him, along with the other wonderful men that helped raise me. Men are unique and special, and I treasure the men who are a part of my life. However, I have always known that I am not a man.
It was around the age of 11 that I started to feel like things really weren’t right. I felt more like I was playing pretend when I had to “be a boy”, than I did when I would “role-play” as a girl. Using the male bathrooms in public places made me feel extremely uncomfortable and almost embarrassed as I really didn’t feel like I should be seeing men at urinals. I’m not a man and I didn’t belong there!
For a period of about a year, circa 2005-2006, I was fully “out” as a female to most of my friends and some of my family. I used she/her pronouns, a female name, and lived as a full woman. It was liberating to shed the pretend male and live how I felt. The future was bright: my family was going to move to Seattle, and I learned they had a thriving community of people like me.
That move did not happen for various reasons. I started having some more masculine features appear, such as an Adams apple and facial hair. I felt trapped, scared, and like I would have to go back to hiding. And hide I did. I tried very hard to convince myself that I couldn’t be a female and that I needed to accept that I had to live as a male no matter how wrong it felt.
I had a few friends who were transgender and it was through them I learned more of the, shall I say, technical details of what was involved in full medical transitioning. While I always felt like a female, I didn’t have a great desire to have gender-affirming surgery. The so-called “parts”, while not standard for a female body, didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. They’re concealed under clothes anyway, and nobody sees them but me. Having those parts didn’t compromise my identity of being female; the secondary characteristics did.
It was around this time, perhaps 2013, that I learned about non-binary identities and that you don’t necessarily have to lie on one extreme end of the spectrum or the other. I had been using “they/them” as my preferred pronouns since that time, and I started using my first initial for everything from my credit cards to my work badge. However, I still felt like there was something missing.
I had long conversations with my closest friends, and my mother, and I had the rare opportunity to see them all in unanimous agreement: there is no reason I can’t live as myself just because I don’t want gender-affirming surgery. I know in my soul that I am female. I feel so much more comfortable living as what I am.
It’s been hard dealing with some of the anger and hate from certain people, especially when they try and use my own religion against me. I am a Christian, I believe in Christianity whole-heartedly, and what these people are preaching is not any form of Christianity that I can fathom. See Acts 5:34-39, and the HRC’s lovely guide to transgender inclusivity in the Bible, for more on why this is not a contradiction.
At the same time, it has been one of the greatest joys of my life to help other trans people – MtF and FtM – talk out their feelings. Providing a soundboard to help others discover their true selves (and in one case, finding out they weren’t trans after all) is one of the best feelings I have felt. This is what we should all do as people: help each other, be there for one another, and hold each other up so that we may all reach a higher purpose in life. Rise up and be proud of who you are, my sisters, brothers, and others!
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